F*ck a whiskey allocation.

Seriously, when was the last time someone came into your bar and was like “Oh damn, you don't have a 2020 George T Stagg release? Close me out, this place is trash.” Probably never. And even if someone has done some silly shit like that, that person leaving has done you a favor in the long run. Anyone who has enough free time to stand in line for an opportunity to buy a bottle of mediocre whiskey with a big name behind it is a walking one-star review.

Many of these allocated whiskies are just repurposing barrels that don't fit the profile of a brand's core line. Barrels that used to get sold off are now being held longer to hide imperfections with the flavors of oak. These “unicorns” are put in a nice bottle, with an old age statement to be used as a pawn to sell more of a brand's less desirable but highly profitable “well spirits”. It's all a game. They will even have an underpaid entry-level copywriter at an ad agency dramatize a story about some “brave guy” who distilled whiskey, then committed tax fraud by setting his distillery on fire in the 1920s to avoid going under. The next thing you know, you are selling 15 cases of tequila-flavored vodka just to have a chance to spend $250 on this one-of-a-kind mistake. Imagine going to a steakhouse ordering a filet and the waiter saying, “well our records show you’ve only eaten 5 shrimp cocktails here this year so, fuck off.” That’s the world of high-end whiskey. Please someone make it make sense. 

I may be biased; I don't think any spirit should cost more than $80. But, I think we can all agree there has to be a better way than this. The way these allocation systems are set up is by standardizing bar programs and sterilizing creativity. Think I'm being overly dramatic? Then why is every bar without an identity running the same frozen drink special right now? Why bartenders/bar owners, who historically pride themselves on being progressive, are letting a bunch of midlife crisis-having, cargo-short-wearing dudes dictate the market? They usually tip like shit anyways.

I don't know who needs to hear this, but you don't need that “rare” bourbon. Whiskey bars are played out anyways.

 The Bite Back is an anonymous collective of service industry professionals sounding off about whatever they want. Got something to say? Holler at us. 

Comic by Colin Moen